The Crimes of Thatcher

As you may be aware, a large number of crimes committed by the immeasurably cruel and corrupt Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, remain unpunished.

These include:

Sinking the Belgrano, when it was sailing away.

Putting thousands of people onto the streets.

Wrecking the British Coal Industry in revenge for what the miners did to Ted Heath.

While working as an industrial chemist at J Lyons in Hammersmith in the 1940s, Thatcher devised a
process to whip more air into ice cream, in order that her employers could sell fresh air instead of ice cream.

While serving as Education Minister in the Heath Government, Thatcher visited every school in the
country and stole every single bottle of free school milk from the hands of small children. The milk has never been recovered.

In 1982 at Chequers, Thatcher told Sir Geoffrey Howe to go out and nick an old lady’s purse. When Sir Geoffrey said he would not, Thatcher called him a yellow-belly and made Norman Tebbit kick his head in.

In 1985, Thatcher went to a football match with the infamous Inter-City Firm. She slashed Mr Ranjit Singh with a Stanley Knife on the 10am express from Kings Cross to Lincoln, just by the buffet counter. Mr Singh needed 17 stitches, he later said that Thatcher had been chanting racist slogans as she attacked him.

Thatcher was seen soliciting on Noel St, Hyson Green, Nottingham in 1986. Mr James Gilbert, who gave her £20 for a blow job, said that she took him into a darkened stairwell, where Sir Ian McGregor, hit him with a lead cosh.

Drug-trafficking formed a significant part of 1980s Conservatism. After disempowering an entire generation, leaving them with no jobs, no money, and nothing to do, Thatcher began to sell them Heroin as early as 1984. The plan was an immediate success, no sooner did Thatcher turn up at the school gates with a handbag full of free samples, than the kids started robbing their grandparents in order to sell off priceless family heirlooms and buy heroin. By 1989, it is calculated that no working-class families had valuable heirlooms at all, and the entire social strata was abolished and those still outside prison, redesignated as ‘poor’. John Biffen later broke up many of the aforesaid heirlooms with a hammer.

In 1987, Thatcher attempted to victimise the Commonwealth, but was prevented from so doing by the intercession of HM Queen Elizabeth. That evening, Thatcher sat in The House of Commons Bar, drinking herself into a sullen fury. At 11.30pm, she telephoned Sir Norman Fowler, instructing him to pick her up in his big expensive car (paid for from the proceeds of shutting a childrens’ hospital) and drive her to Buckingham Palace. At the Palace, she climbed over the gates and started bricking the Queen’s windows, shouting "Come outside and sort it, you interfering bitch." When questioned by a passing policeman, Thatcher replied, "Fuck off, Pig. I pay your fucking wages."

(This may be just political legend, but I gather that when Thatcher did visit Her Majesty, there was no glass of sherry, and no chair; she had to stand)

In June 1988, Alan Clark tried to introduce a Fur Labeling Order, whereby furriers would have to label as such fur garments made from the furs of animals caught in leg hold traps; Thatcher ordered him to drop the idea as the lingering death of poor dumb animals was an idea that particularly appealed to her, indeed she later applauded a display of the glue-trapping and slow drowning of 50 chinchillas at Conference the following year.

According to Sir Norman Fowler’s autobiography (Shutting Hospitals and Throwing Sick People Out Into The Street, Methuen), the public opposition to the closure of the Ashbridge Cottage Hospital For Sick Poor People was so great that Thatcher herself intervened. Visiting the hospital in March of 1985, she infected the kitchens with Anthrax, killing every patient, nurse, doctor, orderly and visitor in the place. The money saved was diverted directly into Thatcher’s bank account and eventually all spent on sweets. The clean up operation was paid for by a special tax levied on poor people (The Grinding Poverty Tax, 1985).

When General Pinnochet was arrested by the British, Thatcher went to have afternoon tea with the murdering fascist bastard, taking him a cake with a file in it. When this proved to be ineffective, the two of them trashed the multi-million pound mansion that the despoiler of Human Rights was held in, and the taxpayer had to pay for it. Thatcher laughed all the way home, and Pinnochet was not transferred to a stinking piss-filled subterranean dungeon like he used to keep his prisoners in.

The National Lottery was set up by Thatcher’s successor John Major, but it was Thatcher herself who drew up the original blueprint. In part it stipulates the following principles: No payments should be made. ‘Winners’ should be shown to the public for the first few years of the lottery, these should be portrayed by prisoners (they should later be shot). All profits from the lottery should be sent by conveyor belt directly to Thatcher’s evil castle where she can spend it on horrible things. [This principle has never been abandoned. All money given to the National Lottery goes direct to Thatcher].

We are interested in any evidence that might lead to the prosecution and imprisonment of Margaret Thatcher.

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