7pm – 1am, Chats Palace, 42-44 Brooksbys Walk, Homerton, London, E9 6DF

It’s Detention Night at the London Corporal Punishment School, widely believed to be the most inhumane educational establishment in Britain. But there’s worse things than six of the best off teacher! If you get caught by a rival gang, you could find out what trouble really is.

We can now confirm that there will be school punishment classes, and that a school inspector may very well be visiting; it is no longer certain that the Deputy Head’s liver will stay the course.

Obviously the school authorities are going to do everything they can to prevent any students getting hold of the sound system and staging an impromptu school disco at the end of the evening – and the staff are always in control… Aren’t they?

Tickets £15 from The Firm, c/o 13 Riddlesdale Avenue, Tunbridge Wells, TN4 9AB (chqs Ishmael Skyes) or Paradiso, Old Compton Street; or Zeitgeist, Holloway Road. More on the door.

Dresscode: School uniform or academic. Superb etiquette required.

Would you like to know about the London Corporal Punishment School?

Index