Dress Code

OK, Iíll try and explain this.

The Firmís dress code is so wide that a Japanese whaling fleet could slalom through it, beam to beam. We will let you in wearing any of the following:

Rubber

Leather

PVC

Lingerie

Mackintoshes

School, Public Service or Army Uniform (No MacDonalds, National Garden Festival or Tesco, thatís just sick)

Evening Dress (at a push. Front of House always pay more attention to men in evening dress than in any other attire, strange but true)

Bandages

Pony, Puppy or Piggy Gear (or any other Animal Play outfit you like, including Gibbons)

Any form of Domestic Servant

Period Costume (With the obvious exception of Tricorns, 1920ís Flappers, and those stupid pudding basin haircuts of the 1470s that made such a comeback with teenagers a few years ago)

Undertakers outfits

Surgeons, Nurses, Doctors, Hattie Jaques

Football Colours (only if homosexual, proof required)

Skinheads (only if homosexual, proof required)

National Costume

Science Fiction (but not what Bruce Dern was wearing in Dark Star)

No Denim (OK, a controversial one, very popular with gay men, but itís such an opportunity for horrible men to just take their shirts off and come in to harass women that we have reluctantly banned it)

Bus Drivers (only if Lesbian)

Which is another way of saying ĎIf you can imagine doing SM in it, you can wear ití, so why have it in the first place? Tricky question.

Well, itís like this. It takes a lot to stop a good SM party. They have been known to survive police visits, changes of location halfway through, and medical emergencies, but what can spoil things worse than a cup of cold sick down the back of your corset is obnoxious men out to gawp at the perves.

And before Mr McDermott gets on our case, it is always men. The phone rings, itís some geezer: "I see youíre doing this Boat Party, only itís got a dress code... Well, Iím a member of Hedonism, theyíll vouch for me..." Yeah, so for everyone else, itís a special occasion that they dress up for, make a bit of effort, but for you Ė youíre a member of Hedonism Ė so obviously weíll waive the principle in your case. As if.

And what exactly is wearing slacks and a t-shirt going to achieve for you? Between you and the guy in the leather harness, whoís going to score? Itís going to be him, isnít it? Because heís made a considerable effort to look as good as possible, and you visibly donít give a fuck about other people; youíre just out for as much as no effort will get you.

And donít get me wrong; thatís fine Ė there are plenty of clubs who will cater for exactly what you want. You turn up straight from work, wearing whatever you like, and nubile young women will allow you to ogle, spank, even shag them, without any need on your part to learn style, good manners, conversation or intelligence. The important difference is that they will only doing it because you are paying them with money.

Just because we donít charge one tenth of what those clubs might does not make us a cut-price option: our parties are for players, not punters. The sum of money you pay at the door is the least part of your bargain with us: We work our bollocks off to make our parties look as good as possible, we wonít let you in if you are trying to take the piss.

If you lie to our door staff, saying you have stuff to change into, when you havenít, we wonít listen to any pathetic excuses about it being your first time, we will throw you out, and no, you donít get your money back.

If you want to debate these injustices, we suggest you go to a munch.

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