DO YOU SUFFER FROM

EGOCENTICA DOMINOSIS?

So how many of us really do suffer from ED? Is it Kosher, or merely the shameless mischief making of someone who had a funny idea ten years ago, and doesn’t know when it’s wearing a bit thin?  (He probably still thinks Viz is funny too, for that matter). Just for fun, we have compiled this quick quiz for any of you tired of whinging about your bad back, dodgy sperm count, and silver plate in your head. Just answer the following questions, write your answers on the back of a fag packet, and compare the results at the end.

 

1.  What is Your Favourite Pre-sex Activity?

a) Prolonged fellatio

b) Spanking your lover

c) Fifteen pints and a kebab

 

2. You go to Strict for the evening; who pays?

a) The man always pays

b) Your slave

c) Nobody; you schmooze up to the promoter at the door, claiming to be his old mate, and he lets you in to avoid looking mean in front of his customers.

 

3. How do you introduce yourself to a Woman socially?

a) By your Forename

b) Lord Somebody Or Other

c) Hey, bitch.  Ow!  Fuck! Me pods, me pods!

 

4. In your Estimation, who does the most for The Scene?

a) Publishers like Tim Woodward of Skin 2 and Zak Jane Kier (formerly) of Forum

b) Club organisers

c) Atmosphere is vital to any SM club, and you contribute so much to it.

 

5.  What particular qualities do you look for in a slave?

a) High pain threshold

b) High boredom threshold

c) Big tits

 

6.  Who supplies your wardrobe?

a) Regulation

b) Silvermans Military Surplus

c) You shop at M&S and can’t see why it’s not included on more dress codes.

 

7. What is the most enjoyable thing about being a Master?

a) Status

b) Sunglasses

c) Welding.

 

 

8. What do You read to pass the time?

a) Really obscure and implausible conspiracy theories

b) Those Nexus books that really are written by real women, honestly, they are, this bloke I met at [obscured on legal advice] told me.  He shagged that Ashling Morgan once.  Gospel that is.

c) That bit about you in Skin Two issue 16, again and again and again.

 

 

9. What is Your Title?

a) Mr

b) Professor

c) Sir.

 

 

 

10. Which of the following is Your Slave‘s favourite?

a) Domestic chores (Well, it’s what she always seems to be doing.  Can’t see what she gets out of it, but heck)

b) Being spanked, caned or a regular shafting; she loves it, the dirty bitch etc etc

c) Shopping.

 

HOW DID YOU SCORE?

Mostly “A’s”: Obviously you only read this far to see how good the satirical punchline was.  Fine by us.  See you at Strict; mine’s a pint.

 

Mostly “B’s”: Well you can take a joke as well as the next man, but we really are getting a bit near somebody’s knuckle this time.  It was OK to take the piss out of snooty mistresses, and it’s not as if sad subbie blokes are going to say ‘boo’ is it?  But masters, ooh, that’s a bit naughty.  Good job you’ve got a sense of humour, that’s all.

 

Mostly “C’s”: Look, that bit where you said [obscured on legal advice] was about me, right!  And that bit about [obscured on legal advice]; I never did that, that was [obscured on legal advice].  I got your fucking number; you ripped off that Professor Guy out of the Young Ones Book, I still got a copy.  I’m emailing Rik Mayall’s fucking copyright lawyer right now, pal.  You’re in fucking trouble, you are, they’ll take you to the fucking cleaners…