Neverwhere Medieval Fate
The Fantastical Historie of
King Osric III
Or
Robin Hood meets The Spanish InquisitionBy William Shakespeare
The characters in the play
Osric III, King of England
Aelfwine, his Queen
Cordelia, their daughter
Archbishop of Canterbury
Bishop of Ely
Sir Robert Hode (afterwards Robin Hood)
Captain of the Guard
Doctor Laurentio, Osric’s magician
Osric’s Fool
Don Alonso
Donna Isabella
Cardinal of Aragon
John Little (called John Little)
Will Shafflock (called Will Scarlet)
Marion, a maid
Tuck, a friar
Chorus
Village, an idiot
A Gypsy
A virgin
Soldiers, Conquistadores, Morris dancers
Enter Chorus
O, for a muse of fire, that would alight
The very Heaven of invention. Princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene.
Permit me, gentles, I am Chorus here
To adumbrate the tale that now unfolds,
Of Osric, King of England, and his Queen
Who Aelfwine hight by name, and their great strife
Against the Spaniards, cruel and resolute
Who’d England steal unto their own! For shame!
But can this cockpit be a stage? Can this
Poor market place be all of Albion?
I do entreat you all make up our faults
With generosity of your minds eyes.
For you shall see much valour done this day.
Closely do watch, gently do judge, our play!
(Exit Chorus. Enter the Archbishop of Canterbury and Bishop of Ely)
Fie upon this dispatch of the king!
He interferes too much in our affairs
Your Grace, he must distracted be from us
That our intr’ests may unmolested thrive.
Amen to that. Methinks I have a way
To hoodwink our liege lord and win the day.
Here comes the king.
(Sennet. Enter King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Princess Cordelia, Sir Robert Hode, Captain of the Guard, Osric’s soldiers, Court Magician, Fool)
God and his angels guard your sacred throne
And long may you become it.
Sure we thank you.
My learned lord, we pray you to proceed
And justly and religiously unfold
This dread intelligence of Turkish knights
That did despoil our ships at La Rochelle.
No knights, dread king, but men of poorest kind
Constantinople’s meanest gutter dross
Impresséd thieves, convicted wretches. This
Is how the Grand Turk spits in your royal beard.
This mock will cost the haughty heathen dear.
Know you that he and I were schoolfellows
At Eton. E’er he were a braggart knave,
And I did beat him once before his whore.
Now hist’ry shall itself once more reprise
That stern correction. All his concubines
Shall mock him in the public pillory,
Before he’s cast into the Bosphorus.
Then arm yourself, Royal Osric, take to sea
And Christian-like, take on crusadery.
I shall. Go soldiers, take to ship, to sail.
Do down the warlike Turk and boldly go.
Teach them the gospel with your smoking swords
Tis time to fight, no more need now for words.
(Sir Robert Hode steps forward)
Osric, royal king! To plainness honour’s bound
When Majesty stoops to folly. Hold here thy men,
And in thy best consideration check
This hideous rashness.
Hode, on thy life, no more!
My life is thine; my tongue’s my own.
Hear me recreant. On thine allegiance, hear me
That thou hast sought to make us break our vow
Which we durst never yet, hear our command.
Five days we do allot thee for provision
To sheild thee from disasters of the world
And on the sixth to turn thy hated back
Upon our kingdom. If on the tenth day following
Thy banish’d trunk be found in our dominions
The moment is thy death. Away! By Jupiter,
This shall not be revoked!
I go. But all shall rue the day
When o’er a king, dishonest men held sway. (Exit)
And now to war, brave hearts, go fight the Turk,
And do great slaughter in this bloody work.
(Exit soldiers)
Thus to finance this greatest match of matches
I do instruct thee, Captain; raise the taxes.
I shall, my leige.
Go with us.
(Exit King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Princess Cordelia, Captain of the Guard, Court Magician, Fool)
Our practices ride easy with this king.
Tis true that he has ever slenderly but known himself.
Aye, let’s away, afore he change his mind.
(Exeunt)
(Enter Sir Robert Hode)
Good Day, Ladies and Gentlemen!
What a comedown for a noble fellow, eh? One minute I’m Sir Robert Hode, Earl of Huntingdon, the next, I’m an outlaw. Fie upon King Osric!
(Enter Village, an idiot)
What art thou?
I’m Village Idiot.
What’s thy name?
Village.
What readest thou, Village?
Ye Sunne. It says King Osric has started a war with ye Turks. It’s great, innit?
And who is paying for it?
Me, I paid for it.
Not the newspaper. Who’s paying for the war?
Me. That’s what I said. All part of the new Stupidity Tax. People who are stupid enough pay a groat a week, and one of them wins a turnip. It’s great. The Wobbling Leper of Ormskirk won it last week.
They really call it a Stupidity Tax?
Nah, the proper name for it’s Ye National Lotterie, but Stupidity Tax is what it is.
But with a groat you could buy enough turnips to choke a horse – you really are an idiot, aren’t you?
Yeah, and proud of it. Long line of morons, our family – cept for Uncle Venerable Bede, but we don’t talk to him.
It’s sad when families squabble like that.
No, no. We’re just too stupid to understand a word he says. We push eel pies under his door, and he seems happy enough. Hard to tell really.
(Enter a Gypsy)
But who comes here?
Oh, it’s a gipsy. Ye Sunne says not to talk to them ‘cause they’ll nick your shoes.
Sir Robert Hode!
How d’you know my name?
No point in being psychic if I don’t.
Do you want to nick my shoes?
Listen dearie, I just want to make me prophesy and get back to work. I’ve got six people waiting to have their palms read, two babies to deliver, one old bugger to curse to death, and a gross of clothes pegs to make before the old man comes home. And invade Poland.
Am I going to win the turnip?
No. Sir Robert, you must to Nottingham.
That’s not much of a prophesy, is it? ‘You must to Nottingham’?
You must go to Nottingham! There you will find friends who will help you save Albion!
Save Albion from what?
An invasion.
I didn’t know Bedlam was doing Care in the Community these days.
Yeah, they are actually.
You must to Nottingham!
All right, anything for a quiet life! Do you make a living at this?
No, not really. If it wasn’t for the shoe nicking I don’t know where I’d be. (exit)
Are we going to Nottingham, then?
What do you mean, are we going to Nottingham?
Are you going to Nottingham?
I suppose so.
Can I come with you?
Yes, all right.
I’ll go and get my camel. (exit)
Once you’ve got a nutter, you can never get rid of ‘em. (exit)
(Enter a dancer)
Ho lads, Village Idiot’s going to Nottingham. Let us celebrate with the dance of Gathering Peascods to the tune of Mrs Widgery’s Lodger.
(Dance)
(Enter Captain of the Guard)
National Lotterie! National Lotterie! Buy your tickets here! Win a turnip!
(ye punters are not interested)
Oh, come on, play the game. It’s all in a good cause, and in Greenwich Town King Osric has a mighty Pleasure Dome decreed- only a guinea a head! It’s all in a good cause!
(Enter Don Alonso, Donna Isabella and the Cardinal of Aragon)
Silence! Do you not know who we are?
No, we don’t, do we?
We are the Spanish Inquisition!
I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise –
Y crueldad de las peores.
Si! Our two main weapons are surprise and fiendish cruelty.
Y una devocion fanatica hacia el Papa.
Si! Si! Among our weapons are surprise, fiendish cruelty and a fanatical devotion to the Pope! And shameless plaigerism.
Well, you’re miles out of your way; what brings you here?
We are here the business of His Holiness.
Oh, no, just a minute. We don’t have inquisitions here you know, not since King John kicked all the papists out and made us all C of E. We’re a good Protestant country nowadays, thank you very much.
Si, Signor. That is why we are invading you.
You and whose army?
(Enter the Conquistadors; Pedro, Manuel and Luiz)
Me and this army, Senor.
Oh, that army.
And who are you, Senor?
Well, I’m Captain of King Osric’s... No, I’m not! I’m somebody very unimportant with no very strong religious feelings – no point in torturing me, you know. Ha, ha! Is that the time? I think my sundial must be going slow again – cheap foreign imports! Not Spanish imports, of course... Oh, my God..!
(Exit, pursued by an inquisition)
Wait! Leave him! (Conquistadors return) Cardinal, what is this place?
Se llama Deptford, Su Exellencia.
Are the people here brave?
No, Su Exellencia.
Excellent! But are they fierce?
No, Su Exellencia.
Perfect! But surely they are pious?
Es Deptford lugar de corrupcion y mallus morales Su Exellencia.
Then this is the place to begin! (To Conquistadors) Fetch me a virgin!
(Conquistadors search for a virgin and much depravity ensues)
(Enter Cordelia and her Maid. The action is improvised. Maid is relating an episode of sexual mischeif to the virginal princess; finally the account assumes one massively engorged phallus too many and Cordelia decides that she is being wound up. She retalliates by dragging the Maid accress her knee for a good spanking. While this is going on, enter Chorus; he crosses the stage, puts one foot on the bench that the girls are using, and begins They can’t see him, of course.)
O, gentles all, it is a sorry thing
When Spanish hand doth pluck an English rose
And the untrammel’d conqu’rer’s foot stamps down
Upon the pleasures of this sceptr’ed isle.
How shall King Osric stand, this darkest day,
With all his carls to Turkey gone away?
But soft, I hear him come, this happy king,
For uninforméd, he knows not a thing.
(Exit Chorus, Enter King Osric, passing him completely oblivious)
Go to, you parlous child; you are too shrewd.
(Cordelia drops Maid, who lands with a squeak)
O, daddy, please do not be vexed with me.
With you, my daughter, no! Your pretty face
Is as fair sunshine on my old grey beard
And as I’m King, ask me of any boon
For is it not your eighteenth birthday soon?
Ay Father, soon eighteen and still a maid.
Such longings have I in me to be laid – I mean wed!
(aside) What should I ask? A dildo? Phallus only?
A Ten-Speed? French Rod? Ah, I know – a pony!
But sure you have the finest furnished stable
With twenty mounts of greatest speeds capable.
All geldings father. They lack strength and thrust.
A pony! Please! Unfilled is so unjust.
As I have gave my word, so shall you have
Your toy. For in your riding lies my joy.
(Enter Queen Aelfwine)
Husband, though I am but a woman...
Osric (aside)
A phrase I long ago learned to dread.
... If some foe comes upon us now, how shall we prevail?
Tis needlessly you fret my dearest one.
Our brother France and sister Germany
Are locked in horrid black-avisaged war.
Fair Switzerland is ravishéd by Poles,
And Italy is fighting Portugal.
The Russian bear takes by the tail and shakes
The fox of cunning Lithuania.
The vulgar Bulgar invades Corsica,
And Sweden’s king is down with the Black Death.
Lot of it about.
(Enter Captain of the Guard)
We cannot be invaded.
My liege, are invaded.
Invaded?
Invaded?
Gadzooks! Who by?
The Spanish Inquisition.
I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Their chief weapon is surprise.
Well, I’ll give them a surprise. Where’s the army?
Lord Hawk’s got them on his boat in the Adriatic.
Bugger!
Daddy!
My liege!
Osric!
Damn!
Daddy!
My liege!
Osric!
Fuck!
Daddy!
My liege!
Osric!
Wait ‘til I find the Archbishop of Canterbury!
(Exit, pursed by the court)
II.2
(Two crates have been set. Enter Chorus, dragging a huge plank, and being rained on)
O, Gentles hear! These days are dark indeed!
Sweet England under Spanish fist doth quail!
Yet work imagination, work! See here –
Our scene transported is to Nottingham,
This poor plank will serve us for Trent Bridge
These crates grow huge as stony bastions
Unto this place walks banish’d Robert Hode (Enter Sir Robert Hode and Village Idiot)
And now, please gods, the story will turn good. (Exit)
I am footsore and tired, and banishment
Weighs heavy on my back. What is this bridge?
I dunno (to groundlings) Where are we?
(The groundlings explain)
Nottingham? Trent Bridge? Looks just like a plank to me.
Nah, it’s a bridge. Supend your disbelief a bit.
I see it now! A suspension bridge! Come, Village, once across the bridge
We are in Nottingham.
(Enter John Little upon the Bridge)
Where goest thou?
I cross this bridge when you stand out the way.
You cross when I have crossed in my good time.
Sirrah, step thou aside.
Stand off the bridge.
Nay, I shall cross it too and crack thy head.
Slight man, if thou wouldst cross the river, thou must swim!
(Fight upon the bridge. Sir Robert Hode is struck into the river. Enter divers outlaws, Will Shafflock, Marion, and Friar, who watch with interest)
Help! Help!
Help him! He can’t swim!
You help him!
I can’t swim either!
Men!
(Marion jumps into the river and pulls Hode to safety. Meanwhile the bridge is removed. Hode is pushed CS, shivering damply to general amusement. A hiatus; Village has to cross the bridge, but quite clearly doesn’t want to. In the end he screws up his courage and totters across, clearly suffering from an advanced combination of vertigo and hydrophobia)
Jings crivens! Help ma boab! Whatever have ye fished out for us?
What’s thy name, Shortarse?
I am Sir Robert Hode.
It’s Robin Hood. This is my mate, Robin Hood!
Is that true? Are you Robin Hood?
I seem to be.
This is how it was in the gypsy’s prophesy – that one who had it away with my shoes! When a band of outlaws from Sherwood Forest meet Robin Hood, he will become their leader, and they his Merry Men.
And are you men merry?
John Little (very darkly)
None merrier in England.
But what are your names?
I am a Friar; my name is Tuck. That’s all you need to know of me.
Will Shafflock, called ‘Scarlet’ for my red hose.
(A pause)
Merry Men
(wearily)Show him the hose.
(Rather sheepishly, Will produces a length of red hosepipe. Robin turns his attention to John Little without comment)
John Little
Called Little John?
No.
And who’s Maid Marion?
(The men all wince; Robin shouldn’t have said that. He becomes uncomfortably aware of a woman standing behind him with a knife)
Don’t even go there.
(Enter a dancer)
What is the news, Friar?
Robin Hood has come to lead us and save England!
Let us do the dance of ‘Glory Holes’.
(Dance)
(Enter Don Alonso, Donna Isabella, Cardinal of Aragon, Pedro, Manuel and Luiz)
Silence! What says King Osric to our challenge?
He rebuffs us, Excellency, and replies not a word.
Santa Maria! How shall we shake the beard of this English King?
Ahora llega la Princesa.
Si, si! The Princess comes here! Hide! Hide!
(The Spanish hide themselves. Enter Cordelia with a riding mistress and pony)
(Owing to the nature of ponies, the following action goes on extempore. Cordelia watches the pony being put through his paces, and makes delighted squeaky noises. At the end of the display, riding mistress leads pony out, leaving Cordelia alone)
O! What a beast is that! With him I’m rapt!
Eighteen in but two days, and he is mine!
(Don Alonso uncovers himself)
Seize the Princess! Pedro! Manuel! Luiz! Let her not escape!
(Cordelia is caught by the Conquistadors)
Ha! Ha! Ha! An English Princess! Are you a virgin?
Yes, for the moment.
A likely story! Is it not said that in England, the Royal Family will make the love with anything that lies still for long enough?
Let’s leave the Dowager Lady Parker-Bowles out of this!
Enough of the idle banter! Put her to the torture!
(Donna snaps on rubber glove and, while Conquistadors hold Cordelia, performs an intimate examination. Cordelia’s cries become increasingly ecstatic, until...)
Es virgen!
She is a virgin, Excellency!
Don’t remind me!
Excellent! Take her to the dungeons!
(Exeunt)
(Enter on stage within King Osric, Fool and Conjurer)
Ah me, this crown sits heavy on my brow.
The Spaniard prowls the land, and we’ve no means
To fire him hence. And what is worse than this
My lovely daughter is stolen away
O! That I knew that she were safe today!
Marry Nuncle, here’s a jest... My dog hath no nose.
Pray Fool, how doth thy dog smell?
Forsooth, Sire, he cannot smell, perforce he hath no nose.
That’s not very funny is it?
Permit me to divert you, Sire... (The Conjurer does a very clever trick, by means of which, plain slips of paper are turned into banknotes. Osric is not impressed)
Alas all is in vain, my mood is black
There’s nought to do when I an army lack.
(Enter Queen Aelfwine)
Husband
Outside are men with huge weapons,
They’d fight for us, and make the Spaniard go.
Well I shall see these men. Go with us, lads.
(King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Fool and Conjurer go outside. Merry Men are waiting. Robin in the background)
These are the men of whom I spake.
You’d fight for us?
Dread King, we would.
Then show your art. Set on!
(Mery Men fight)
Bravo, stout carls. With martial skill as yours
The Spaniards soon shall be cast out at doors
But which here is the leader of your warlike band?
For as I’m King, I’d surely shake his hand.
(Robin Hood steps forward)
Royal Osric, it is I.
The banish’d Hode!
God’s Wounds! What plot is this? What treachery?
No treachery, my liege! We come to help!
Aye – help yourself to my royal crown, by gods!
Begone you outlaw! Go! I’ll none of you.
I need no aid of traitors in this war,
While England stands there shall be English law!
Fie upon this king. This foolish pride
Will sink all England in a Spanish tide.
Come lads, we’ll toil no more upon this thing
For there’s no reason in this foolish king!
(Merry Men exit)
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a royal proclamation. There will be a grand slave auction in the Throne Room in fifteen minutes, so if you haven’t got your money or forms sorted out, go and do it now.
(Exit)
(The Conquistadors bring out a whipping stool and drag Cordelia over it. Donna Isabella begins to flog her, as the Don and Cardinal look on. Finally in the rising excitement, Cordelia yells....)
I won’t! I won’t!
(Donna Desists)
She is a stubborn wench. Brazed to her faith
And to her father.
Por San Jorge! Puta! Ifidel!
She is a heretic.
This suits us well. It is the Pope’s decree
That every mis-believer be consuméd.
Get ink and paper.
(The Cardinal produces quill and parchment)
Don (as the Cardinal writes)
To Osric, who styles himself King of England. I, Don Alonso, rightful ruler of this realm by Holy Authority of His Holiness The Pope, have as my guest your daughter, the Princess Cordelia. Though we have tried our best to enlighten her to the true faith, she has refused all our entreaties. Therefore we are obliged by Holy Law to execute her as a heretic: Unless you surrender all this land unto our power and that of His Holiness, your daughter shall be burned at the stake at ten o clock.
Yours with the fondest regards
Don Alonso.
See it delivered.
(Exeunt)
IV.2
(The throne has been reset on the stage within. Enter King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Captain of the Guard, Fool, Conjurer, and Village Idiot. Osric sits)
Who is it comes here?
The Spanish Ambassador, my gracious liege.
Have him enter.
(Captain raises hand. Enter Cardinal of Aragon)
Your Eminence, your holiday is past,
And royal patience with your tricks is gone.
What prating embassy make you to us?
I charge you, spit your poison and begone.
Don Alonso, King of this land in all but name,
Bids you read o’er this paper and reply.
(King Osric takes the letter and reads)
Why, what a cur are you to bait a king.
Hang him upon the nonce, nay first take him
To Billingsgate, and have him roundly whipt!
What says the paper?
Read it. See his faith.
(Queen Aelfwine reads)
To burn our daughter?
What? I’ll have his throat!
For I have lov’d Cordelia, and she I
Since first she met. Foul Priest! What god is yours?
You shall find out, and straight, for I’m thy death!
Nay! Sheath thy sword. There’ll be no blood shed here.
Send hence this priest, his evil is right clear:
If he dies here, Cordelia dies too.
(To Cardinal) Why do you wait? Is there ought else to do?
Your Majesty. (Exit)
We must do something.
Aye, and i’the heat.
(Osric rises)
What may I do? This heavy crown binds me
As if it were a wheel of burning fire.
This kingdom waits to drown in blood and I
Can nothing do. The fates ‘gainst us conspire.
Nuncle, call for Robin Hood.
Aye boy, it is a merry jest.
No it isn’t. I’m serious. Call for Robin Hood! Come on everybody! Robin Hood! Robin Hood! (Repeat until the audience are all joining in)
Very well, I have no other choice. Good Village Idiot
Seek out bold Robin Hood and bring him here.
Oh. Right. (Exits)
(Robin enters almost instantly, Friar Tuck behind him)
Osric (kneels)
Sir Robert Hode, I did you wrong I swear.
I took bad council when your word was right,
And now I humbly beg forgiveness here.
Royal folly is expos’d to common sight.
Royal King, I shall not see you kneel.
Rise up, there is no time for grief
In one bare hour the Princess will face death
I have a plan, there shall be work for all
England shall thrive, and all the Spaniards fall.
Come, let’s away!
(Exeunt)
(A stake and pyre has been set up in the market place. Enter King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Robin Hood, Captain of the Guard, Village Idiot, Conjurer, Fool; they hide themselves. Enter Don Alonso, Donna Isabella and the Cardinal of Aragon)
King Osric has defied our gracious letter. It is now ten of the clock, and at this hour the heretic princess is to burn! Bring her here!
(Conquistadors enter with Cordelia)
Bind her to the stake
(Pedro, Manuel and Luiz fix Cordelia’s fetters to the stake. Cardinal advances the cross)
For the last time, will you accept the Catholic Faith and renounce the rule of King Osric?
Never!
(The Cardinal turns his back)
Then let God’s will be done!
(Pedro plunges a flaming torch into the pyre. Smoke and flames. Cordelia struggles)
Wait! Don’t you know there’s a firewood shortage? It doesn’t grow on trees, you know! We get rid of heretics much quicker in England.
What do you mean?
Abracadabra!
(There is a sheet of flame. Cordelia vanishes)
Caramba! Madre de Dios! Where is she gone?
Seize the necromancer!
(Enter King Osric, Queen Aelfwine, Captain of the Guard and Fool)
Unhand my conjurer the fault is mine.
In England’s calendar, there’s no crime done.
I charge you, Don Alonso, get you home
For England has no more fair prey for you.
How shall you stop us, King? I have my guards
But what have you? Your army fights the Turk.
Pedro, Manuel, Luiz! Have at the king.
Convey this foolish monarch to the gaol.
He has no men.
Deceivéd Spaniard, yes!
(Robin Hood, John Little, Will Scarlet, Marion and Friar Tuck enter)
For never shall stout Englishmen be slaves.
Will (to Pedro)
Have at you, dog.
(Fight, Pedro falls)
John Little (to Pedro)
Your pleasure, caitiff?
(Fight, Pedro falls)
Marion
O! But one left? Thou’rt mine!
(Marion shoots Luiz down with a crossbow. The remaining flunky is left bewildered CS, until Friar strolls in and carries her off)
Is this all’s left for me? This scrubbed boy?
I’ll send thee to thy grave.
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
(Fight, Don Alonso yeilds)
Royal Osric, kill us not! I beg our lives!
That mercy you cry for lives not in you.
What? Shall I call my daughter to decide?
Cordelia, shall these Spaniards live i’ faith?
I speak but to a corse. She has no voice.
(Cordelia emerges on the arm of the Captain)
Yes, Daddy! Spare them, for their games were fun!
Consensually they’re good for everyone!
See, I am whole, no bloodshed ends this day.
(To Conjurer) Make them all well! Let’s play Auto de Fe!
Let the dead arise.
(Pedro, Manuel and Luiz riseth)
Ay, there is magic in the air this night
Let Brit and Spaniard join, no more to fight.
O Don, give me thy hand, and end this schism
Let’s join our hosts in Sadomasochism.
(Exeunt with huzzahs. Enter Chorus)
If we players have offended
Think but this and all is mended
That you have but slumbered here
While these bruits did appear
And all this confusion seen
Have no more meaning than a dream.
Give me your hands if we be friends
And lo, The Firm will make amends
Or do your Chorus liar call.
Now a good night, unto you all.
(Exit)