From the office of The President; General Communiqué – March 2010

As you may be aware, a malicious pest known mainly as ‘Bouncing Bowly’ has attempted to force the cancellation of Burns Night, instead the event is simply postponed until Saturday 6^th March, and we beg your support in refusing to let such a peevish and spiteful man ruin our fun and yours. Attending Burns Night is no longer merely an opportunity for good company, CP action and excellent food (and there is a dungeon to play in now too); it is an act of solidarity against an avowed enemy of The Scene.

Tickets (still £20) can still be bought by post from Kane, 13 Riddlesdale Avenue, Tunbridge Wells, TN4 9AB, or from me at the London Munch on Friday 26^th Feb. Even if you wait until the last minute (although obviously, we’d prefer you not to) we will do our very best to accommodate you. Dresscode: Leather, rubber, PVC, Tartan, TV, evening dress.

(We can’t publicise the venue online in case Bowly reads it and starts acting the twat again, but if you phone me on 07905 526409, I’ll be glad to assist)

Asked why he did it, Bowly replied, ‘Perverts shouldn’t hire public venues, especially when it’s then plastered all over a sex/prostitutes site (LFS). We will be keeping an eye on your future activities and will bring your vile little group of perverts to the attention of the authorities each & every time you seek to run an event in a public house or venue. It’s a pure case of revenge... ‘ [Promoters will be advised of Bowly’s real name and full address on application]

And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

The next monthly party in The Barnet Bastille Dungeon (EN5 1AU) will be on Sunday 28 Feb 2010, 3:00 PM - 12:00 AM. Nibbles, Wine and Soft-drinks are included in the Admission price of £15.00 per person. A resident Mistress will be on site for the Parties. To book your place, go to www.dungeon-bastille-hire.co.uk

Did anyone see the ‘Sexperiment’ episode of ‘Coming of Age’ when the teen girl got dressed up as a dominatrix – with a mace – when I was young, the girls didn’t know how to do that!

Sign outside Stafford Railway Station ‘Say NO to European Union’. There are, of course, signs displayed in many parts of Europe, ‘NO to union with Stafford’, and in quite a few parts of England. Meanwhile Kraft has bought that most English Chocolate firm Cadbury’s and is now cheerfully cutting jobs, like it promised not to do.

‘Political Correctness Gone Mad’ wallahs should take note that 25 years since it became forbidden for imaginary cartoon character, Dennis the Menace, to get whacked, he’s now stopped being naughty, in accordance with broadcasting guidelines, and is now being called ‘Dennis the Softy’ by some of his readers.

We have recently made an alteration to our policy on Nazi uniforms; we will now allow people to wear Nazi uniforms at our events for the playing of some very specific scenarios. These include ‘Soldiers of The Jewish Battalion capture a former Auschwitz guard and strangle him after a kangaroo court’, ‘Irma Gresse meets Albert Pierrepoint’, and ‘Rudolf Hoess gets found by the Allies and they beat the fucking shit out of him’.

And while Larrikin Music have successfully sued Men at Work for the flute riff in Down Under (apparently it’s a lift from a song called Kookaburra that children sing in Australian schools), we posit the vexed question ‘Just how much licence payers money does Jonathan Ross need for fucks sake?