The Firm

Can I be an Ofsted inspector?

Of course you can; if you can think of asuitable rationale, you can be anyone you like – convince me it's feasible and you can play Pope Benedict XVI, let it never be said that LCPS isn't inclusive.

But, please think it through; this school has been breaking the law about not hitting pupils since 1986, and if Ofsted knew anything about it, surely they'd have shut the place down and prosecuted all the teachers.

So Ofsted don't know about it.

But OK, you still want to be an Ofsted inspector; say you're an inspector who has found the LCPS and is heading down there hot-foot to find out what's going on, and who is somehow going to get through the very big, scary and above all locked front doors, that held a team of professional private eyes off for six months; obviously you got a sonic screwdriver. Fair enough.

So what's going to happen?

Either, you are going to inspect the school, report back to your superiors, who send for the police and social services, and the school is shut down (so we can't play the game anymore), or the people that run LCPS are going to take effective steps to have you killed before you get out of the building.

I'm not going to ask that you read the Prescott Report on the history of the LCPS, but during the couple of years that it took to compile that report, five people died because they were a threat to the school, one of whom had tried to save herself by running away to Cambodia, so you are not likely to find that your status as a civil servant affords much protection against a people fully prepared to kill in defence of their perceived right to practice corporal punishment.

You still want to be an Ofsted inspector? Maybe you should stay at home and do it.