DO YOU SUFFER FROM SAD SUB SYNDROME?
In response to popular demand, the SSS pop-quiz, specially compiled by Professor JB Strangetrousers. It is very important, when answering these questions, to be absolutely honest, and not to masturbate at the same time.
- 1. WHAT SM GAME REALLY FLOATS YOUR BOAT?
a) Japanese Rope Bondage
b) It’s not a game for you, it’s real-life
c) You are still trying to find out.
- 2. HOW EASY IS IT FOR YOU TO GET INTO NEVERWHERE?
a) You’re there every month, regular as clockwork
b) There’s no problem if you phone up first, well in advance, and offer a gratuity in easily-converted bearer bonds.
c) The last time you tried, you were chased away by a pack of rabid dogs.
- 3. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND ON THE SCENE?
a) A wisecracking American Dominatrix, with a mean cane stroke, and a frightening capacity for Bourbon
b) A lugubrious North London bar-owner, who entertains all and sundry with his unceasing anecdotes
c) A lantern-jawed, hollow-eyed card man, who talks in a flat monotone about mistresses he has never met, and SM that he has never done, and calls himself Ron.
- 4. WHO HAS MADE THE SCENE THE HAPPY PLACE IT IS TODAY?
a) Phillip Bastians, clubs like his are hard to find
b) Steve and Sadi, you knew where you were with them
c) A twenty-year old newbie Dom, who has just walked into the club for the first time.
- 5. WHAT ARE YOUR PRIORITES WHEN CONSIDERING SOMEONE AS A PLAY-PARTNER?
a) A sense of humour
- 6. WHAT DO YOU WEAR FOR AN EVENING OUT ON THE SCENE?
a) A very-fetching rubber number, made especially for you by Daxine
b) A smart frilled shirt and Tunisian leather jeans
c) A cracked and perished dog-collar, and a leather posing pouch, formerly owned by your mate, Ron.
- 7. WHAT IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU AT AN SM CLUB?
a) Passionate fucking in the long grass at Pleasurezone in 1995
b) A very severe caning from an Amazon Goddess on The Boat in 1999
c) Being told to stop wanking by a female security guard at the old Skin Two club in 1983.
- 8. WHAT DO YOU WATCH ON TELEVISION?
a) Zena, Warrior Princess
b) Serious programmes about warfare, and the petro-chemical industry
c) You’re not allowed to.
- 9. HOW DO MISTRESSES ADDRESS YOU?
a) By your given name
c) ‘Oi, wanker’.
- 10. WHAT, IN YOUR HUMBLE OPINION, IS WRONG WITH THE SCENE AT THE MOMENT?
a) Not enough venues
b) There is one satirist too many
c) Too many men.
HOW DID YOU SCORE?
Well, it seems unlikely that you’ll remain sad and lonely for very long. Occasionally you have quite long conversations with club promoters, and you know what Tim Woodward looks like. You have done some voluntary work for SM Pride, it can’t be long before you are a regular face.
You may not be in the ‘stumping out in a huff’ category, but you have moments of being sad and sometimes a little bit wanky. Practice interesting conversational gambits, and think about some of the political issues around The Scene. Consider getting involved in things a bit more, and make a few more friends.
I’m afraid you’re just too submissive for The Scene as the moment. Try opening your own club, charging an exorbitant price on the door, and spending all the profits on professional dominatrices to entertain your punters. You will need to make sure that all the men are less sexy than you are, which could be difficult.