This is a brief guide for anyone from the press or broadcasting who might want to produce a feature on The Firm.
If you work for any newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, we want nothing to do with you, and the racist Daily Mail can go fuck itself. In fact the only two newspapers that we are particularly enthusiastic about are The Guardian and The Independent. Up until their latest run-in with Ken Livingstone, we might have talked to the London Evening Standard, but now they can fuck off as well.
(Before you think about coming into one of our events with a clever little hidden camera, just imagine how sick you'll feel when your so-called mates at work get the pictures of you with the camera ‘hidden’ up your arse. Do you think we wouldn't do it?)
If you're from telly, the first thing you should remember is that The Scene deserved your support when the Spanner Men were being prosecuted in a gross miscarriage of justice. Where were you then? We owe you nothing.
You are not, under any circumstances, bringing a camera into any event that we are selling to the public. No not even at the beginning, no not even just in one corner, no not just people who've signed model release forms, we know it's illegal to film people who don't want to be filmed... But once you've done your filming, you can do what you like with the footage. Quite honestly, we don't trust you, and nor do our customers.
When we do telly, we charge a respectable fee. Ditto if we are required as consultants on the Sex Industry. Do not expect that if you phone us up, we will do all your research for you without wanting to be paid what you would be paid.
We also know that being telly, you always say that you're broke. Just one minute on this; you're not broke. We know how much money you get when the programme gets networked, so if your producer wants somebody to get their kit off, get the gloves on, or take a thrashing for free, we suggest he or she does it. If the programme is that important to their career, they can prance around in the altogether. It's only a bit of after-the-pub titillation you're after anyway, so you might as well stick half an hour of Jerry Springer on for all the difference it'll make.
Oh, and before you try to tell us how much free advertising you are giving us, we have never gained one punter from a television appearance.
If the above seems harsh, please consider that it is only as a result of contact with the broadcasting industry; the situation is of your making, not of ours.
If you still want to talk to us, you can phone 07905 526409; but please, please don't take the piss. (This number is not for the use of annoying single men that want to get in free or weasel round the dresscode.)